O Captain! My Captain!
by ravenclawrose7
Summary: VERY SLOW UPDATES! Loki is a monster. At least, that's been what he has always been told. After a car accident, Loki, with the help of a friend, realize that he might be less monstrous than he's always thought. Eventual Frostiron. Don't like, don't read. TRIGGERS: Self-harm, self-hate, mentioned suicide attempt. Loki/Tony, Tony/Pepper, background Natasha/Clint, background Jane/Thor
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Hey guys! This is my first fic, so go easy on me :). This is Avengers based, and the title is the name of a poem by Walt Whitman. This is kinda a mild prologue to the actual story, but I'll post the next chapter tomorrow. Hope you like it, and please leave comments!

"Oh, and on Saturday, Lady Jane and I went to that place that they show movies, what do they call it? A cinema. And after that-"

"Thor, I do not wish to hear of your petty excursions with your maiden," Loki snarled, pink lips curling into a sneer. How very irritating that oaf could be. Loki turned back to the window, watching the snow-covered trees rush by in blurs of color, whipping by like willows in a rainstorm. It was just after a weekend visit to their parents' house for Christmas break, and they were returning to Marvel University, where they were both Sophomores. Loki lay his cheek against the icy cold of the window, feeling it seep into him. He closed his eyes, listening to the gentle silence, when the car veered sharply left. Loki's eyes shot open, and he gasped at how reckless Thor was being. Thor was holding onto the steering wheel with one finger while his foot dug into the accelerator, and his bearlike hands dug through the duffle bag sitting in the back seat.

"Thor! Slow down, look out for that tree!" Loki yelled as Thor produced his phone. Thor looked up just in time to see the front of the car crumple on impact with the tree. Loki lurched violently sideways, head cracking as his head collided with the window, and everything went black.


	2. Chapter 2

Beep. Beep. Beep. Loki slammed his fist down on the bedside table, wincing as his hand collided with a clipboard. His eyes shot open as a delighted cry of "Loki!" rang out through the room.

"Mother? What are you doing here?" Loki asked groggily. Frigga sighed.

"Your brother. The car crash. What do you remember?" She replied wearily.

Loki sat up quickly and winced as his head throbbed. After it had subsided, he hesitantly glanced around the room, bracing for any pain that might accompany it. The room was all white, with one green chair aside from the bed. Frigga was perched on the chair in a black pantsuit. Various medical monitors lined the room's walls, with a single full size mirror on the far wall beyond a incessant beeping was coming from a heart monitor attached to the side of the bed.

"I'm in the hospital because Thor was an idiot and crashed the car. What else?" Loki sighed.

"You've had a severe concussion. You have been out for three days, your scalp is scarring on the left side, and you have minor internal brain damage. Your shoulder was dislocated when you first got here, but they popped it back into place. Thor is still in the hospital with a broken arm." Frigga said quietly. Loki immediately put his hand up to his head and was relieved when he found that he still had hair, though his head was still covered in bandages. Loki examined his arms and legs. Minor scratches and small scars lined them, but most of those had been there before. Loki got out of the bed and sat on the side.

"Do you have any clothes, Mother?" He asked. Instead of replying, Frigga took out a pair of black skinny jeans and a black tshirt. She knew him too well. Loki walked behind the screen and stripped off the hospital gown. He turned to look in the mirror and winced at how bad he looked.

The side of his face had scratches from broken glass on it, and his hair looked greasy and lank. His ice blue eyes looked glassy, and his head was wrapped in a bandage. Loki quickly grabbed his clothes and put them on. He walked out and nodded to Frigga. He walked out of the room to go ask about a shower.

After some classic Loki charm and puppy dog eyes, Loki managed to wheedle himself a bath from a nurse. The woman-her name was Sarah-showed him to the bathroom, Loki quickly began stripping out of his shirt. It was then that Frigga walked in.

"Loki, I-what did you DO?" Frigga ended in a yelp. Her eyes were tracing the endless pink lines that snaked across his chest, every one representing something he hated about himself. Loki's face curled into a grimace. Six years of keeping it a secret, and she found out because of a car crash? Frigga was still looking at his chest, eyes brimming with tears as she read the single word that covered him. MONSTER.

"Don't you know, Mother? I'm a monster. You shouldn't want me around. You're not even my blood." Loki finished, taking off his pants and stepping into the shower. He heard Frigga's soft sob and the sound of her footsteps as she left the room.

Loki ran his fingers through his hair as the water ran. He quickly stepped out and toweled down. He once again donned his clothes and set off for the reception desk.

"Excuse me, miss, I was wondering if you could tell me the room number for Thor Odinson." Loki said, flashing a blinding smile that felt like a mask to the pretty receptionist. She giggled at the tall man, then looked through the database. She wrote down the number on a slip of paper and handed it to him.

"I'm Laurel, by the way." She said. Loki smiled once again and set off for the elevators. He glanced at the paper and sighed at her phone number. It did have Thor's room number too, so that was good enough. Loki pressed the button for floor number three, and as soon as the lift stopped, he walked swiftly to room 305. Loki didn't bother knocking and stepped inside.

"Hello, brother." He said in a silky voice. Everyone in the room (Bruce, Tony, Natasha, Clint, Jane, Steve, and Pepper) looked at him. With dead silent footsteps he strided up to Thor's bedside and punched his nose. Everyone heard a cracking noise as Thor's nose broke.


	3. Chapter 3

"You imbecile! You nearly got us killed!" Loki screamed as Tony rushed forward to restrain him.

"Whoa there, Reindeer Games, Thor never said that you were in the accident, only that some idiot rammed into him," Tony said, puzzled. Loki whipped his head back to Thor. His cheeks turned 3 shades of red as he regained his composure.

"Why, darling brother, did you _lie?"_ Loki asked in a venomously silky voice. Loki turned to face the others. "It seems that not only my dear brother forgot to add that I had been in the crash as well, but he seems to have forgotten that _he_ was the idiot that _crashed into a tree on a otherwise deserted road._ I'm also assuming that he didn't mention that I had a concussion, a dislocated shoulder, scalp damage, and internal cranial injuries? Did he tell you that the only person who came to see me was my mother, who doesn't even share my blood? Well? DID HE?! Loki yelled, his voice increasing in volume until silence swept through the room like a silent dove. Nobody moved, stunned, until Thor spoke.

"He lies."

Loki felt dizzy. His senses numbed until it felt like he was moving through water, and he barely sensed a pair of strong arms catch him as he swam into oblivion.

Beep. Beep. Beep. THAT INCESSANT BEEPING! Loki opened his eyes to see the worried face of Tony staring down at him and his mother pacing in the corner in a business suit. She walked briskly forward, kissed his cheek, and smoothed his hair.

"Sorry, love, but I have a business meeting in Japan tomorrow morning. I have to leave. Let this young man take care of you. Goodbye, darling!" Frigga called as she walked out of the door. Loki sat up, awkwardly staring at Tony, only inches from his lips. Tony cleared his throat and straightened up.

"So, Reindeer Games, ya fainted after Thor was a dick to you, but I caught you when ya fainted. You've been out for an hour. You were right, Tasha got it out of him." At this Loki shuddered. Natasha scared him, though she was his best friend. "Sorry about that, Lokester, but they don't call you Silvertongue for nothing. We're obviously going to be suspicious," Tony said bracingly. Loki nodded wearily. His head hurt like a bitch. His brother was a jerk. Nobody loved him. Loki flopped back onto the bed while Tony nodded goodbye and left the room.

A day later Loki was released from the hospital. He wearily traipsed the four mile walk back to the dorms, as Thor had taken Mjolnir, his beautiful, newly repaired car back already. Loki remembered horribly how he had discovered that he had to share a floor with his not-brother. He had just met the RA, Phil Coulson, and his roommate, Steve, when Thor had bounded up with Jane at his side and announced that he had specifically asked to share a floor with Loki. Loki winced, and had then met Tony, Natasha, Clint, and Bruce. Loki and Natasha got along best, but he and Clint were at odds after an incident in which Loki had hacked Clint's Siri. Bruce had been polite, and Tony his usual arrogant self. This was five months ago. It was now January at Marvel University. Loki was awoken from his reverie by a sharp ringing from his cell phone. He answered it without looking.

"Hello, Loki." Loki was startled at the harsh, grating voice of his not-father. Odin.

Loki nearly dropped the phone as he held it with shaking hands.

"O-odin."

"Answer me as sir, boy. I heard about your crash. Why didn't you die? You should've died. I would've thanked Thor for ridding us of you. There is no room for abominations in the house of Odin. Especially gay faggots like you. You were the biggest mistake I ever made, all because Frigga wanted a son and was too barren to give it." Odin sneered. "You were a tiny little runt, a monster. My enemy's son, and I saved you because of my love for Frigga. I should've let you die. Why don't you die now? Better late than never." Loki felt himself breaking, a thin veil of pride the only thing stopping him from bursting into tears. He hung up on the call and almost pressed the block button. Almost, but he never could. Just the same way all he wanted to do was please Odin, but he never could. So he did the second best thing. Loki trudged up to his dorm room. Steve was sitting on the couch, reading a book about World War I. Loki passed him to his bedroom. He locked the door and went to the small desk, opening the uppermost drawer on the left. He found what he was looking for, a small matchbox. He slid it open and pulled out the only item inside. A razor blade.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Hey guys. So bit of a minor sex scene here between Tony and Pepper, but nothing too graphic, more emotions and feeling and stuff. I don't really know how to write the self harm part, and I don't want to glorify it because depression is a real condition, so if you have any tips or things you want me to change, just leave a review and I'll work on getting better! As always, I own nothing but the plot. :)

-ravenclawrose7

Loki stripped off his shirt, revealing his porcelain skin that shone with pale scars. Loki ran the blade over his chest, pressing slightly until a red bead of blood flowed out. He winced at the stinging pain, but it blocked out his aching heart, and that was all that mattered. Loki cut into his chest, slicing until he felt finally stopped, his chest looking like he had been clawed by a cat. Blood ran down his chest, pooling near the top of his jeans. Loki reluctantly put down the blade and grabbed the towel he kept for this purpose. He mopped up the blood and got bandages to cover up the marks. He felt sick with himself. Why did he like the power doing this to himself gave him? He really was a monster. No normal person would _like_ doing this to themself, but Loki wished that he never had to stop. He was drunk on power, an abomination, a disgrace. Loki carefully walked to his bathroom and washed off the blade. He tucked it back into the box and surveyed his bed. The black sheets showed no blood and the green comforter had a few droplets on it, but nothing too noticeable considering the great flows of blood there had been. Loki got his shirt and put it back on. He stripped of his pants and climbed into bed. It took hours, but he finally fell into an uneasy sleep.

It was 1 AM when Loki woke up. He knew it was no use trying to get back to sleep, so Loki climbed out of bed, changed his bandages, and put on a pair of sweats and a worn old sweatshirt. It was still a week until winter break was done, and Loki didn't have classes until the Thursday after that. Loki quietly left his dorm and padded down into the common room in his socks. The common room was a large area with bookcases, flat screen televisions, foosball tables and a small kitchen. Loki immediately went over to the bookshelves and pulled out a book, Pride and Prejudice. He tiptoed over to the cushy couches and sat in the middle.

"Bit early for reading, Reindeer Games." Loki jumped up and turned on his was leaning against the doorframe in a Black Sabbath shirt and a pair of tight boxers.

"Stark, you do realize that you are currently missing an important article of clothing?" Loki questioned, forcing his eyes up from below Tony's waist. Tony smirked and walked to the mini fridge.  
"Ladies love it. Don't knock it til ya try it." Tony said, shaking his ass slightly. Loki let out a bitter laugh.  
"Well, I seem to have no trouble attracting females, but the prize I really seek is of the male gender." Loki said, diverting his eyes back to the book. Tony looked at him.  
"You're gay?"  
"Yet another thing Odin hates me for." Loki grimaced at the painful memories, trying to return to his book, all too aware of Tony's eyes on him.  
"Who could hate you? I mean, maybe you're a bit hard to approach, but I can't imagine _hating_ you." Tony sauntered over to the couch and sat by Loki. Loki lifted his eyes to meet Tony's.  
"And I'm not straight as a bullet either, so don't feel bad." Loki stared in surprise at the playboy. Who would've thought that Tony Stark wasn't completely straight? Tony looked ready to say something else when a feminine voice rang from the hallway.  
"Tony?" Pepper asked, covering her arms over her lacy nightgown. Loki and Tony looked up, and Tony stood up and walked over to her. "Hey, babe," he said as he kissed her cheek. Pepper looked satisfied enough and began to attack his lips, small hands running over his curved ass. "Ready for round two?" She purred in a seductive voice, looking up into his eyes while palming him through his boxers . Tony nodded yes, waved bye to Loki, and staggered out of the room, still entwined with his girlfriend. Loki cursed himself. He was not getting a crush on a taken playboy, and especially not Tony Stark. He let out a self-deprecating chuckle and returned to his book. Who would like him anyway?

Tony sloppily returned Pepper's kiss as she hurriedly worked off his t-shirt. She ran her long fingers over his chest, tweaking his sensitive nipples. Tony moaned into her mouth, then flipped her so she was below him on the bed. Pepper sighed wantonly as he slipped off his pants so that they were both naked. Tony got to work, groaning, as he felt the warm heat envelop him. He opened one eye, then gasped as Pepper's red hair morphed into unkempt shoulder-length black hair and her eyes morphed to Loki's. Tony closed his eyes again and tried to remind himself to say "Pepper", not "Loki". Why the fuck was he thinking about Loki during sex? Tony tried to hurry after that, finishing and attempting to separate himself from Pepper, but she demanded to be hugged, so Tony tried to get to sleep with her in his arms. It didn't work. As soon as her breathing evened out, Tony moved to the other bed.  
Tony woke up feeling dirty, but he didn't know why. He groaned as he checked the clock: 5:00 AM. He had gotten 3 hours of sleep _at the most_. Tony stood up and stretched, then froze as her remembered his night with Pepper. Tony quickly wrapped up in a towel and crossed the hall to one of the shared bathrooms. Tony dropped the towel and got into the shower. It was just one little thing. It didn't matter, right? Fantasizing about one of your best friend's brother during sex was normal, right? Tony sighed, scrubbing at his skin, the warm water creating rivers down his back. He hurriedly shampooed his hair and toweled down. Tony cursed himself-he had forgotten clothes. Tony held the towel around his waist and left the bathroom. He was just about to go into his bedroom when he heard soft footsteps coming from the common room. Tony tiptoed to the edge of the doorway and peeked in. Loki was dressed in his sweatshirt and sweatpants with his feet dressed in soft socks, running his long fingers over the spines of the books in the bookshelves, oblivious to Tony. Tony smiled slightly and returned to his bedroom, where Pepper was still sound asleep and naked. Tony silently dressed back into pajamas (with pants this time) and walked back out into the common room. Loki was still on the couch, but this time he had a different book- Little Women. Tony sat down next to Loki and splayed himself out on the couch. Loki glanced at him and returned to the book. Tony sat up again, and stared at the rings under Loki's eyes.

"Ya know, Lokester, you really need to get more sleep. It looks like someone sucker-punched you," Tony said, taking the book from Loki and marking the page. Loki glared at him.

"Trust me, it's not by choice," Loki replied scathingly, suddenly gasping as Tony pulled his head down onto the edge of the couch, where a pillow was sitting, and tucking a blanket over him. Tony placed his hand over Loki's eyes.

"The fuck?" Loki asked, trying to move Tony's large hand off of his face. Tony (though Loki couldn't see it) grinned.

"I'm getting you to sleep. So shut up and try to get to sleep." Loki pouted and snuggled into the couch, wincing slightly at the pain on his chest. Tony noticed, frowning, but didn't say anything. He began to slowly run his fingers through Loki's hair with his free hand, smiling as his breath began to even out. Loki was asleep in minutes.


	5. Chapter 5

"Shut up, you idiots! You're gonna wake Reindeer Games!"

Loki heard muffled sounds and sat up, pushing the blanket off of his legs. He turned around to see Tony, Natasha, and Thor arguing quietly in the dim kitchen. Natasha noticed him first, straightening up and flashing him a quick smile.

"Hey, Loki. How are you feeling? You were asleep for 8 hours." Natasha said, causing Tony and Thor to stop bickering and look around.

Loki was baffled. _8 hours?!_ The last time he had slept for that long was when he was 15 after a massive hangover caused by drinking an obscene amount of vodka. He _never_ slept that long. He was always interrupted by a nightmare, and couldn't go back to sleep for fear that it would come back.

"I didn't... wake up in the night?" Thor and Natasha shook their heads, while Tony rubbed the back of his neck, embarrassed. Before the others had gotten up, Loki had had several panic attacks in his sleep, arms and legs flailing, screaming in terror of some unseen creature, hands raised in surrender as he whimpered for mercy. Only when Tony had stroked his hair and rubbed his back comfortingly, or when he whispered words of reassurance in his ear, did Loki calm down. After two such episodes, Tony just lay next to Loki on the couch, writing down ideas for inventions on the coffee table and carding his fingers through Loki's hair with his free hand. Tony turned to the pot of coffee and poured himself a cup, spiking it slightly with triple sec and vodka. He killed time by adding a few espresso beans to the top and turned to see Natasha punch Thor in the nose. Thor doubled over in pain, clutching his face as blood spurted from his nostrils.

"Tasha! Honestly, do I have to keep you on a leash?" Yelled Clint, charging in from the hallway at Thor's roars of pain. Natasha just looked too smug for her own good and let Climt pull her away. Jane had rushed in with Clint, sighed as she saw Thor curled up in a ball on the floor, yelling in pain, and pulled out her phone to dial 911, as it was clear from the swelling and blood that it was broken. Loki was nowhere to be seen, so Tony walked over to where Natasha and Clint were sitting.

"Okay, Tasha, what brought this on?" Tony sighed. Natasha grimaced.

"Thor was going on about how Loki can't sleep because he has nightmares, how he was a sissy when they were little, how he still has nightmares-that's Loki's business, nobody else's."

Tony nodded wearily, then stood to go retrieve his coffee from the counter. He was startled at the least to see Loki sitting on the counter in his sweatshirt and sweatpants, daintily sipping Tony's coffee with his legs crossed, smiling venomously. Tony hadn't even begun to speak when Loki hopped down and laughed.

"Thanks for the coffee, Stark," Loki said as he began walking back to the room he shared with Steve. He opened the door and found Steve nowhere in sight, probably out with Peggy. Loki let his facade drop into a weary scowl, erasing the alluring smile that everybody probably thought was real, but to him felt like a shoddy imitation of the one he had once been able to muster that was now a long forgotten memory. Loki poured the coffee down the bathroom sink, having tasted the alcohol when he sipped it for show. A convincing way to fool anyone who thought that Loki was weak or in need of help. Loki walked back to his room, dragging his feet. He walked to the easel by the small window and pulled out a small box of paint. He opened a tube of blue and swept at it with a large paintbrush. Loki dabbed at the canvas and began to paint out the pain. Sweeping arcs of blue with silver undertones and crimson patches that pooled like blood filled the canvas as the hours slipped by. Loki left only to order a pizza and to use the bathroom. He was about to fill in the last corner when his phone began to ring. Loki stiffened as the voicemail picked it up. Yet again, it was Odin.

"I know you're listening, Loki. You're a fucking disgrace to me, you retard. The only reason you got into college was because of your pussy art scholarship. Gay faggot, you're useless. Nobody wants you. You should just die, because nobody cares about you. Not even Frigga. She thinks you're useless too. You only get acceptable grades at school because you're a cock-sucking faggot, and you use your slutty ways to get into teacher's pants. You pussy. You should just die, you monster." Odin's gravelly voice stopped as the voicemail ended. Loki stopped holding back tears, letting them fall in rivulets down his cheeks as he sank to his knees. The paintbrush fell to the ground with him and Loki felt the stabbing pain in his sides. But he deserved the pain. Because he was useless. A faggot.

A monster.


End file.
